The Satisfaction of Your Husband and Not Your Mother
A girl, while in her parents' house, is duty-bound to satisfy them. However, once she is married, her role changes.
In her husband's house, a woman should give priority to her husband's needs. Even when there are conflicting desires of her husband and her parents, she should obey her husband, even at the expense of the parents' dissatisfaction. Disobedience to one's husband may harm one's marital relationship and vice-versa. Moreover, many mothers do not enjoy a proper education and wisdom.
Some mothers have not yet realized that they should leave their daughters to reach an understanding with their husbands of their own. The married couple must be left to plan their own affairs and if they encounter any difficulty, they should overcome it through their own initiative.
Since the wives' mothers are unaware of this point, then, in their own minds, they try to make their son-in-law act according to their desires. They try, directly and indirectly, to interfere in their family affairs. They use their young daughters, who are inexperienced and not quite aware of their situations, in order to influence the sons-in-law. The mothers constantly tell their daughters how to act, what to do, what to say, and what not to say. The poor daughter, who regards her mother as sympathetic and experienced, obeys her and commits herself to the mother's desires too.
There would not be any problems if the son-in-law submits to the mother-in-law's desires: However ,if he shows resistance, then rows begin to take shape. In the latter case the ignorant mother may become so stubborn that it may lead to the destruction of her daughter's family life. The ignorant mother, instead of encouraging her daughter to devote herself to her husband, makes her oppose her husband. The mother may tell her daughter:
"You have ruined your life. What an awful husband ! What good men were prepared to marry you! What a good life your cousin has ! How lucky your sister is! What have they got that you haven't? Why should you live like this? My poor daughter!"
The mother, whose words are regarded as sympathetic, causes family rows and arguments between the daughter and her husband. The daughter is placed in a situation to pick up rows with her husband. The parents would also take sides with her and finally in order to win the fight, they show willingness towards their daughter getting a divorce.
"A thirty-year old woman attacked her fifty-year old mother for she had caused her divorce. This woman said: 'My mother talked behind my husband so much that it caused many arguments between me and him. Finally, I got divorced but soon regretted it. But it was too late, because six hours after our divorce, my former husband was engaged to my cousin. I was so frustrated that I decided to beat up my mother'."[65]
"A thirty-nine year old man ran away from his wife and mother-in-law and left a letter saying: 'Because of my wife's attitude and because she was not prepared to go to Abadan with me, I decided to leave this world. My wife and her mother are responsible for my death'. Thus a man, who was fed up with his mother-in-law's interference, committed suicide'."[66]
"A man, who was fed up with his mother-in-law's interference, threw her out of a taxi'."[67]
Undoubtedly, daughters who obey mothers of this kind and submit to their wills, would inflict an irreversible blow on themselves.
Therefore, any woman who cares for her family, should not be influenced by her mother's will and should not regard them as one hundred percent correct.
A wise and clever woman would always examine the suggestions and sayings of her mother before implementing them in her family life. She should implement them if they did not contradict or endanger her family bonds. In this case, the daughter should submit to the will of her mother. Otherwise, if the daughter reaches the conclusion that her mother is ignorant and her suggestions lead to rows and arguments, then she can reject her .
Anyway, there are two choices for the daughter:
(a) To go along with the desires of her mother in which case, family arguments would follow; or
(b) To ignore her mother, and comply with her husband's desires.
Obviously, one would not choose the former because if one did, then she would either have to live in a misery with her husband or divorce him. If she continues to live with her husband, then she, along with her husband, and the children, would suffer .In the case of divorce she would probably have to go to live with her parents. In this case they would not accept her as a member of the family and would try to get rid of her. She would be degraded and humiliated before all the other members of the family .It is also not easy to live alone. It will also not be easy to marry again. How can one be sure that the next round will be any better What about the children? What about the children of the next man? She might end up so frustrated that she might kill herself. She may become so difficult to live with that the next man she marries, may run away from her, or even kill himself.
Once a woman ponders over the consequences of acting upon the selfish and foolish desires of her mother or others, then she should firmly decide to ignore all the talk as not to endanger her relationship with her husband.
She could tell her mother:
"Now that I am married, it is better for me to try to protect my marriage, and keep my husband satisfied. I would rather treat him kindly, because he is my partner. He can make me happy and is able to help me. He shares ail the ups and downs of life with me. He is my choice and, if we have any difficulties, we will try to solve them ourselves. We can plan our lives. Your interference may make a bad situation worse. If you want us to have a good relationship with you, then do not interfere in our lives, do not talk behind my husband, otherwise I will have to cut off my relationship with you."
If your mother, as a result of your suggestion, stops interfering, then you will not be disturbed. However, if she is not prepared to take any notice of you r desires, it would be better for you to stop seeing her. In this way you will be saved and you can live comfortably.
While, as a result of breaking away from you r parents, you may lose some of your respect among you r family, you will have earned many times over more respect from your husband.
"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'The best of your women is one who gives birth to many children, is loving and chaste, who does not submit to the will of her relatives but is obedient towards her husband, adorns herself only for her husband and protects herself from strangers, listens to her husband and obeys him, accedes to his wishes in privacy and does not lose her modesty in any case."
"The Prophet (SA) then added: 'The worst of your women is she who obeys her relatives but does not submit to the wishes of her husband, is barren and vindictive, is not afraid of committing bad deeds, adorns herself in the absence of her husband, would not accede to the wishes of her husband in privacy, would not accept his excuses and would not forgive his mistakes',"[68]
[65] Ittela'at, 9th Azar, 1348 Solar Hijri.
[66] Ibid, 12th Urdibahisht, 1349 Solar Hijri.
[67] Ibid, 13th Urdibahisht, 1349 Solar Hijri.
[68] Bihar al-Anwar, vol 103, p 235.